flowers flowers everywhere

Did I mention I have started gardening?  I love it. I find it very therapeutic.  Now if I could just get the hydrangeas to thrive.  I feel like if I can conquer hydrangeas, than maybe I will be ready to be a mother to a daughter.  Does that seem strange?  I know, where did that come from?  Let's face it, I want a daughter.  I always have.  I love all three of my sons, and yet still feel like there is something missing.  Like there is a life connection missing.  Let's see if I can manage to post a couple of pictures of what is growing.

Head Colds and the Zoo

Yesterday my friend, a Corpsmen in the Navy, invited us (myself, Everette and boys) to go with her to the San Diego Zoo.  There was this idea that Active Duty military plus their family members would get free admission to the Zoo.  We get to the ticket booth, Everette mentions military and waves his hand over the kids and myself, and the gentleman says just show ID at the entry gate.  We are so excited as we approach the turnstiles, until the attendant there tells us that Everette gets in free but the children and I must go purchase tickets.  Fine.  Now, we have already spent several minutes in the line, only to not be admitted to the zoo.  At guest relations I plead my case only to be told that the tickets for myself and two of the boys will cost me $82.  My heart sinks with disappointment as I think about the cost as well as the amount of time it took to find a parking space in the back-end of the lot.  This is the second time that i have come and not been able to go in.
My friend, so giving without hesitation, offers to split the cost.  I can handle $40.  We get in and realize that we only have a couple of hours before the exhibits close, when I turn to find the two boys viewing a large map of the Zoo, planning our adventure.  Already, they have a plan while we adults are still trying to figure out where we are on the map in our hands.  We go with the plan of a 4 year old and 8 year old.  What fun, as we sea lions, parrots, lizards and snakes.  A turtle flipped over on its back that struggles to flip over, and accomplishes that as we all watch on.
We had a wonderful time, and I enjoyed taking pictures with my new camera.  Towards the end however, I begin to feel the makings of a cold coming on.  This morning I feel it full bore.  From the neck up, I feel miserable.  I know where this has come from: my 22 month old son, who has had a very leaky nose the past few days.  I feel so bad for him, that he has felt so miserable and no one really knew just how he felt.

FMF

On Monday Everette went before the Murder Board for the FMF pin.  He passed.  This morning he is doing the final board, and if he accomplishes this then tomorrow he will take the E-5 exam.  Then the wait is to June or so to find out if he advances.  If so, he will stay in the Navy a few more years.

Elisha adventures

Elisha, 20 months old, sits at the dining table with a pile of gold fish crackers in front of him.  He could eat the crackers, but instead he puts them, one by one, down his onesie.  Once all fish are inside, he pats his tummy, effectively crushing each little gold fish cracker.  Now, he has a pile of crumbs inside his onesie.  Perhaps he plans to save them for later.  Is he part squirrel?  Now he sits in front of me on the table, examining the treasure he hides, and then leans forward to rest his head upon mine.  Elisha starts to nurse and his crumbs are slipping through his pants and onto my lap. 
Earlier he took one of my shirts from the laundry pile and put it on.  Everything he does, he does with an intense purpose.  I wish I could get inside that little mind to understand that purpose.  Elisha is a fascinating little boy.

tired

I feel so overwhelmingly sad right now.  No, nobody died.  It seems though that a friendship did.  I am not sure if I just over invest myself and my feelings into friendships or if I really just seem to screw things up.  I don't get it.  It's like someone wants me to have a constant feeling of being alone.  Heck, I can't even get ahold of the clinic.  Noone will answer the phone.  I feel so tired lately.  All I want to do is curl up in bed or on the couch.  Cannot do it though, kids will not let me. 
I had been volunteering at my son's school every morning but now I do not have anyone to watch the other two boys while I do it. 

The beginning of the end

    It is mind-boggling how a person can devote 11 years of their life to the military and then see it all just go away like it was nothing.  The actions/decisions of one person have effectively destroyed Everette's career.  I wonder if this is what that person hoped to accomplish?  August 3, 2010 will be the last day my husband is in the Navy. 
    I am terrified.  This is a lifestyle we have grown to know and accept as ours.  What will we be left with?  Will the military move us one last time?  Will there be any assistance in finding a civillian job?  We are going to effectively be jobless, homeless, without any medical benefits, etc.  How is this supposed to ok?  I know my Mom keeps telling me things will be allright, but unless a miracle happens soon, I do not see how things will be allright.  There is no one we can stay with.  No one who has money to float us.  We do not have assets or savings or anything really. 
    I think the plan right now is to leave California.  This means leaving my brother, our friends, our church family, everything we have come to love here.  I know we are not the only ones who have gone through a change like this, but it is our first time as a family.  This so is not the plan I had for us.  Truly, I had things all figured out.  Everette would make the Navy a career, retiring at the 20 year mark, being in his mid 40s.  We would put away his retirement pay and both of us would work in the civillian sector. We could retire again, and live on two retirements, and social security.  It was going to be great.  We were going to go to Japan with the boys while they were still young, perhaps even Italy for a couple of years.  Amazing how drastically plans/dreams can change. This wouldn't be such a big deal if it were just Everette and I, but it is not.  We have three little boys to take care of.  How can we do that without a home and an income?
    I have this constant list of all the things that need to be done between now and July.  I am not even sure if we have that long, realistically. 

Sunday Mornings

I love Sunday Mornings. The slow arrival of awake, my sons peacefully interacting, and my husband and I sitting at the table with our laptops and coffee. Sometimes spending time together doesn't mean talking or interacting. Sometimes it is simply being. Right now, sitting here next to him, as he does his thing and I do my own. I know that even in this simple act, we are together, sharing this moment. Soon we will go upstairs to shower and get ready for Church. Chaos generally ensues with trying to get three boys ready, but it is worth it. The routine of Sundays is something I look forward to. I love my husband. I know he loves me. Thank you God for bringing us together.