SAD

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as winter blues.  Off and on over the years I have had issues with depression of one degree or another.  Since moving to Texas I have been off of any medication and have done remarkably well until this December.  Besides the weather effect, there have also been some external circumstances that have contributed to my mood being less than ideal.  Money has been the largest problem, or rather the lack there of.  Some family issues have added to the stress as well.  My husband knows there is something wrong, but has a hard time really hearing me when I try to explain it to him.  He is always convinced there is more to it.  I can't even begin to talk to my family about depression.  I wish it wasn't something that was constantly hovering over me or even close by me.
Depression for me is more than just feeling sad.  It is having no motivation, feelings of despair, and anxiety.  Fatigue and headaches are common, and just feeling physically and mentally run-down.  I have an ott-lite that I am using today, but that limits me to my bedroom.  It is raining outside today, so trying to go outside for sunlight is out.  I feel deep hunger for the beech on a warm sunny day.  I now understand why so many people who can afford it choose to travel south during the winter, opting for Florida, Mexico or some tropic area.
There are so many things that I WANT to do but just do not have it in me to even begin.  I want to begin composting and preparing for a spring garden.  I want to clean my house until it sparkles.  I need to take some things to my storage unit.  Prepare dinner.  All of these desires seem to further compound my feelings of hopelessness as I cannot even see a time or way to begin any of it.  This snowball effect can be devastating if not controlled soon.
So many well-meaning people will say to just get up and do it anyway because it needs to get done.  Get over it.  Stop being so self-absorbed.  Think more positive.  Pray.  Be thankful for what you have.  This lack of understanding from those around me bring me down even more.  Pressure to change me, to get better, get over it, these things do not help.
Support and understanding are two of the best things for a person who is suffering from depression. If you know of someone who is suffering from depression, don't pressure them or belittle the way they are feeling.  Love them and let them know that you are there for them.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.  Happy birthday Yeshua.  This whole week has been amazing.  It started with the fire station blessing us with a box of food and gifts for the boys; then the church I attend, His House Ministries, blessed us with tons more food, more gifts for the boys and they payed my elusive gas bill for two months.  Finally, when Ev went to work yesterday (on Christmas morning) his boss told him and Joe to go home and enjoy their Christmas!  He was home before I was out of bed.  At 4pm we went to my oldest brother's house and had Christmas dinner with him and his family, as well as most of the rest of our family.  Only Aaron and his clan were not there, and Ben because he is still in California.  But Ben is coming out for a visit in February, so that is going to be awesome!  We are going to have a big bbq at David's house, probably run two grills.  I really hope that during that time, Aaron and his family don't start insulting and threatening people again.
You know, everyone seems to have a dysfunctional family in one way or another.  I guess this is ours.

RC Car Ministry

http://rcministry.webs.com/

settling in

It's November, Ian is 9 years old now and completely into Indiana Jones.  We got into a rental house back in September.  It's a three bedroom two bath house with no garage, one broken gas heater and a gas fire place.  The kitchen doesn't have enough drawers, but has good cabinet space.  I am getting used to not having a garbage disposal.  Everette and I signed a 12 month lease.  I am still trying to find places for everything.
Everette is working for SatPros, installing satellite like Dish Network and Direct TV.  Ian and Tristan are doing very well at the elementary school here.  You know, we just had election day, and I didn't register to vote in time.  So I jokingly told my grandparents to vote for me, meaning that they should vote in my stead.  They piped up saying they would vote for me, as in elect me to office.  My Mom agreed.  Where did this come from?  She says that I am an active person.  I didn't think I was THAT involved with things.  I mean, I attend MOPS, I just became assistant den leader for the WEBELOS 1 cub scouts.  But right now that is about it.  Oh, and I am a member of the PTO.  Though I have yet to hear anything from them.  Ok, I am done thinking about it.  Seriously, I am all about being active in the community, just never thought about running for a leadership position like that.  Maybe some day.  Granted, I am sure even small towns prefer to see someone with a bit of college education.

please share

Right now we are staying with my brother and his family, with the five of us in one bedroom.  All of my boys' toys are in storage, so my sons are feeling like outsiders here.  My brother's kids have toys but one his youngest has a bit of an issue with sharing.  I fight back tears of sorrow when I see my son being rejected by his cousin.  There is little I can do to change things for my sons right now.  I just pray that we can buy a decent house soon.
I have gone the past few weeks, essentially since we left California, without Zoloft.  I finally found the prescription yesterday and am not sure if I should go back on it or not.  We still need to......I just lost my train of thought.

The End Has Come

August 3, 2010 marked the last day of Navy life for us.  It has been a harsh reality these past few weeks.  Now in Texas with family, Everette has started a new job and we are looking for a place to call home.  There does not seem to be any apartments really available.  The homes here are mostly older homes that are in severe need of repair.  The idea of moving my family into one is painful and I am resisting it with every fiber of my being.  This week I found a house on 1.5 acres that I have fallen in love with and want to tour the inside.  I have been unusually excited about the idea of this house.  That being said, my sister-in-law told me this evening that there is another couple at her church looking at this same house and that it needs to sell quickly.  We still need to get approved for a VA loan.  Then Everette tells me today that he doesn't want to stay here.  So I feel "what's the point of looking for a house if we aren't going to make it permanent?"  I just want to settle down once and for all.  How odd, I grew up in the same house-19 years.  For the past 13 years we have moved so many times, I can scarcely count.  Now I just want o find that forever home.  The one.  The house of my dreams.  God, is there such a thing?  Is it possible that we might finally have that?  Can it be now? Please.

lost, found, late and rescheduled.

This morning I had a WIC appointment scheduled for 9am out in town.  I finally have custody of  the van today to do this and a couple other things.  Getting close to 9, so I load the boys into the van and make sure I have my id, wic folder, cell phone, bill or some proof of address, and LES (paycheck stub).  Wait, where is the LES that I had in the van since last week?  It's missing and dh doesn't know his log in information, and doesn't remember where he wrote it down.
Cancel WIC, reschedule for next week.  Ok, let's go geocaching with the two little ones.  This will be fun.  Stop one, find.  Two and three, no luck.  Four was a fun find at the California Welcome Center.  Five and six were a bust, and Seven was an adventurous find.  Fuel up the tank and now I headed to the back gate to base to deliver a wallet to my husband.  Thought he was at the base theater for his TAMP class,  so after sitting in the parking lot with two sleeping boys, pulling them both out of the van to go into the theater, I find out the class has been relocated to a point down the street.
I drop of the wallet, nearly throwing it out the window to him as I rush to pick up number one son who has now beat me home.  There was a volunteer Tea at the school scheduled from 1-2pm.  Went to that, then had a hard time finding the two older boys on the playground, because now I have to rush over to Naval Hospital for a Dr. appointment at 2:20pm.  Guess who was ten minutes late?  That's right, you guessed correctly.  I was late.  Wasn't sure if they were going to see me.
Picked up husband, came home.  My head hurts, my kids are tired beyond belief and I have no idea what to do about dinner.  On the up side, I got a cool little certificate for helping out at my son's school.