(Disclaimer:  It is late and I am tired.  Anything I say here is most likely tainted by fatigue and thus cannot be taken offensively)

    Please excuse me as I go on a rant here.  

I would love to find a "home" church here in Texas.  One where you don't have to be a big financial backer, don't have to be part of one of the main families that dominate the church, one where I can send my kids to children's church while I get spiritually fed with other adults.  A church that when I am absent, someone actually notices.  I want the "church next door".  Do you hear me?  This is good stuff.  (Note: tone of sarcasm there)  I also am not ready to deal with a church that has constant "issues".  

    Yes, I am from California.  Get over it.  No, I don't already know where everything is here, or how things are done.  I tire of people assuming that I should already know, or they assume that I must be a snob since I am from California. (ok, so maybe I am a bit of a snob)  I also find it rude that so many people think that nothing good exists in California.  Yes, I miss my home state.  I am here now and trying to make the best of life.  I sure as heck didn't "get here as fast as I could".  Texas isn't perfect either.  

    I admit I find it slightly distressing that before my sons start dating (which we have a few more years to go before they hit that stage) we have to find out if they are related to the girl first.  Yes, the town is that small.  

 I have signed up.  Have you?

    Today I am thankful that God has blessed me with sons that have enough common sense to not flush things down the toilet that don't belong, or stick their heads in the toilet.  There hasn't been any playing with the poo or sticking things up noses.  My sons do not run through the house with sharp objects.  They don't eat play dough or dirt, or crayons.  They do not throw temper tantrums or nag me incessantly to buy them things when we go to the store.  My sons do not go around smacking and biting each other or other people.  We do not suffer glares from fellow patrons at the restraunt when we go out.  

My sons are not perfect, but they do use their brains, and in a good way.  Perhaps it is genetic.  Perhaps it is because their father and I have been rather diligent about keeping an eye on them and haven't just let them run helter skelter about the place.  Now, if I could just get them to clean their rooms.  :)

This summer has been a complete suckfest.  Ok, the second part of this summer has been a complete suckfest, sprinkled with small amounts of witty comments and such.  
There has been a most unwanted summer cold thing going around Winnsboro this month.  Cough, fever, etc.  Not fun and not wanted.  It has made its way through my entire household, which is a rarity in itself.  Usually a couple of us manage to make it out unscathed.  It has even reached people in my family who are outside my immediate household.  Maybe that's the problem with small towns.  What goes around comes around.  
All health and wellness aside, I have come up with a new saying tonight:  "There is a fine line between sarcasm and unsolicited advice.  I enjoy walking that line on a fairly regular basis."  I wonder how much trouble that is going to get me into.  I sort of posted it on Pastor Rose's facebook page. (note: currently biting lower lip in amused worry)
Also, this evening as Everette and I were cooking dinner, Elisha (4 yr old) comes into the kitchen and asks "What's for dinner? Because whatever it is, I don't like it. Is it meatloaf?"  
Now mind you, what was for dinner was steak, pasta with pesto and corn.  By the way, it was very delicious.  Later, at the table he says, "what's that?".  I said "It's Pesto sauce".  "I don't like it."  "How can you say you don't like it when you haven't even tasted it?"  At this point I realize that I lost this battle long before it even started.  Sadly I feel there are many more ahead for me like this one that I will inevitably lose.  
Everette made Mac n Cheese for lunch today.  Elisha didn't want that, he wanted a sandwich.  Now usually that means a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Alas, today he didn't want the peanut butter.  I don't get it.  But apparently he feels the need to assert some sort of authority and control in his little world.  Ok, I can roll with this.  I hope.  

Yesterday I had a realization about eight years too late.  Why is that when a woman suffers a miscarriage, she isn't offered grief counseling?  Her loss is as great as anyone else's.  Why are we sent home to deal with this loss alone?  Husbands don't get it.  Families don't get it.  Friends don't get it.  Unless you have gone through it, you don't get it.
I had a miscarriage in 2003 and it was the most devastating thing to happen in my life.  I now know I went through all the stages of grief. Shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope.  

Shock: At first I was sort of on autopilot, going through the motions when I was told there was something wrong.

Denial:  I tried to convince myself that the doctor was wrong.

Bargaining:  I begged and pleaded with God to make it right.  I probably made a ton of promises, some of which would have been impractical.

Guilt:  I felt that anything I had done during the pregnancy had compromised it.  Swimming in the ocean, drinking coffee, eating subway sandwiches that weren't toasted.  All sorts of things.

Anger:  I was so angry at God for not saving my pregnancy.  I was angry that it took four weeks for someone to come up with a solid answer.  Angry that my husband didn't seem to be upset and he even thought that after a couple of months that I should have gotten over it.  Angry that people would say things that were hurtful when they were trying to make me feel better.  Maybe they were trying to make themselves feel better.  Angry that I had nowhere to turn to just let it all out!

Depression:  I felt like God had let me down and I couldn't trust in Him anymore. I was sad all the time.  Each day that went by, I thought about how big my baby would be now.  And when spring came, and my due date approached, I wept over the knowledge that I would not be having a baby now.  When a year passed, my heart ached wondering what my child would have looked like at a year old.  Even now, I wonder what sort of person he/she would have become.  My heart ached constantly for what was not to be.

Hope: This last one took the longest to reach.  I know that my baby is in the arms of the angels.  I know that I can survive such pain and still carry on.  That when we experience loss, God does not leave us empty for long.  I know that God’s Word says “For in Me you might have peace.  In the world you shall have tribulation.  But be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

How much faster might I have reached that stage of hope if I had had someone to talk to, who could guide me through these stages?  I am going to pray about this one.  I feel like there has to be something I can do to help other women who have experienced this sort of loss.  Counseling, support groups, something.  You should never have to walk the path of loss alone.

Tonight I have decided to make a list of some great things about California.  So here I go.

1.  Beaches, beaches, beaches:  Let's face it, this state is not land locked.  And it doesn't take more than a few hours from any point in the state to reach a beach.
2.  Beautiful weather, though we tend to skip one or two seasons occasionally.
3.  Wine Country
4.  Avocados: California is well known for its Avocado orchards.
5.  Oranges:  You have two options, California or Florida.  Have you seen the size of a California orange?  Their huge!
6.  Garlic!!! Gilroy has a garlic fest.
7.  Sequoias.  Have you seen those trees?  Their huge!  And people say everything is big in Texas.  Ha.
8.  Natural lakes, as opposed to a thousand man made ones.
9.  Aerospace industry:  Have you ever seen the SR-71 or F-117 fly by?  I have.
10. Growing up, we got to watch the Space Shuttle land several times (when weather was bad in Florida)
11. California has every type of landscape: Mountains, valley, beach, forest, desert, etc.
12. Diversity
13. Disneyland!!!
14. California is home to Saddle Back Community Church (Rick Warren's church, author of "The Purpose Driven Life") and New Song Community Church (Hal Seed's church) which made the movie "To Save a Life".
15. Ski Mountain High: during the winter you can take in some awesome skiing.
16. California is heading up several eco-friendly projects, like solar energy, wind energy, etc.  They have strict emissions laws, wildlife reservations (even on a military base).
17. California has very strict building codes.  Something you don't see in certain other states where houses are unsafe to live in, yet people still do.  Also, they know how to pave a street.
18. California has a wide variety of opportunities and colleges.
19. Knott's Berry Farm, Six Flags Magic Mt., San Dimas water park, San Diego's Sea World, Legoland.
20. Californians are supportive of their military.  And they don't protest military funerals!

This is what I have so far.  As I think of more, the list will grow.  If you think of more, feel free to add them in a comment.  Please no hating here.  If you don't like it, say it in your own blog.  God Bless.

The black hole that is the Twilight Saga

A couple of years ago a few friends talked me into going to see the latest Twilight movie at that time. It was the second or third in the series. Since it was the midnight premiere, they insisted that I sit and watch the first one on the computer while we waited in line. So the first one was ok. The second one was a like Chinese water torture. The first half of the movie was basically Bella (the lead character, who by the way is a teenage girl in love with both a vampire and a werewolf) being depressed. Mind you, this isn't a short movie, so I found myself wanting to slit my own wrists watching her mope about. I must have seen the third movie at some point after, and swore I wasn't going to see the fourth movie. Then last week I saw the first previews for the movie and found myself strangely drawn to it like a moth to a flame. It isn't out yet, and so to get my Twilight fix, I went and bought the book. It was Sunday and the library was closed, so that wasn't an option. Now I am sucked into this black hole and can't get out. The thing is, I am way past page 200 and so far the book has only covered a handful of days. This is driving me crazy! I keep reading, waiting for some advancement into the story, but so far it is dragging on moment by moment, thought by thought of the two lead characters. Oh, will it ever end? I will update soon with that answer.

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