Tuesday, December 28, 2010


SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as winter blues.  Off and on over the years I have had issues with depression of one degree or another.  Since moving to Texas I have been off of any medication and have done remarkably well until this December.  Besides the weather effect, there have also been some external circumstances that have contributed to my mood being less than ideal.  Money has been the largest problem, or rather the lack there of.  Some family issues have added to the stress as well.  My husband knows there is something wrong, but has a hard time really hearing me when I try to explain it to him.  He is always convinced there is more to it.  I can't even begin to talk to my family about depression.  I wish it wasn't something that was constantly hovering over me or even close by me.
Depression for me is more than just feeling sad.  It is having no motivation, feelings of despair, and anxiety.  Fatigue and headaches are common, and just feeling physically and mentally run-down.  I have an ott-lite that I am using today, but that limits me to my bedroom.  It is raining outside today, so trying to go outside for sunlight is out.  I feel deep hunger for the beech on a warm sunny day.  I now understand why so many people who can afford it choose to travel south during the winter, opting for Florida, Mexico or some tropic area.
There are so many things that I WANT to do but just do not have it in me to even begin.  I want to begin composting and preparing for a spring garden.  I want to clean my house until it sparkles.  I need to take some things to my storage unit.  Prepare dinner.  All of these desires seem to further compound my feelings of hopelessness as I cannot even see a time or way to begin any of it.  This snowball effect can be devastating if not controlled soon.
So many well-meaning people will say to just get up and do it anyway because it needs to get done.  Get over it.  Stop being so self-absorbed.  Think more positive.  Pray.  Be thankful for what you have.  This lack of understanding from those around me bring me down even more.  Pressure to change me, to get better, get over it, these things do not help.
Support and understanding are two of the best things for a person who is suffering from depression. If you know of someone who is suffering from depression, don't pressure them or belittle the way they are feeling.  Love them and let them know that you are there for them.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.  Happy birthday Yeshua.  This whole week has been amazing.  It started with the fire station blessing us with a box of food and gifts for the boys; then the church I attend, His House Ministries, blessed us with tons more food, more gifts for the boys and they payed my elusive gas bill for two months.  Finally, when Ev went to work yesterday (on Christmas morning) his boss told him and Joe to go home and enjoy their Christmas!  He was home before I was out of bed.  At 4pm we went to my oldest brother's house and had Christmas dinner with him and his family, as well as most of the rest of our family.  Only Aaron and his clan were not there, and Ben because he is still in California.  But Ben is coming out for a visit in February, so that is going to be awesome!  We are going to have a big bbq at David's house, probably run two grills.  I really hope that during that time, Aaron and his family don't start insulting and threatening people again.
You know, everyone seems to have a dysfunctional family in one way or another.  I guess this is ours.