SAD

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as winter blues.  Off and on over the years I have had issues with depression of one degree or another.  Since moving to Texas I have been off of any medication and have done remarkably well until this December.  Besides the weather effect, there have also been some external circumstances that have contributed to my mood being less than ideal.  Money has been the largest problem, or rather the lack there of.  Some family issues have added to the stress as well.  My husband knows there is something wrong, but has a hard time really hearing me when I try to explain it to him.  He is always convinced there is more to it.  I can't even begin to talk to my family about depression.  I wish it wasn't something that was constantly hovering over me or even close by me.
Depression for me is more than just feeling sad.  It is having no motivation, feelings of despair, and anxiety.  Fatigue and headaches are common, and just feeling physically and mentally run-down.  I have an ott-lite that I am using today, but that limits me to my bedroom.  It is raining outside today, so trying to go outside for sunlight is out.  I feel deep hunger for the beech on a warm sunny day.  I now understand why so many people who can afford it choose to travel south during the winter, opting for Florida, Mexico or some tropic area.
There are so many things that I WANT to do but just do not have it in me to even begin.  I want to begin composting and preparing for a spring garden.  I want to clean my house until it sparkles.  I need to take some things to my storage unit.  Prepare dinner.  All of these desires seem to further compound my feelings of hopelessness as I cannot even see a time or way to begin any of it.  This snowball effect can be devastating if not controlled soon.
So many well-meaning people will say to just get up and do it anyway because it needs to get done.  Get over it.  Stop being so self-absorbed.  Think more positive.  Pray.  Be thankful for what you have.  This lack of understanding from those around me bring me down even more.  Pressure to change me, to get better, get over it, these things do not help.
Support and understanding are two of the best things for a person who is suffering from depression. If you know of someone who is suffering from depression, don't pressure them or belittle the way they are feeling.  Love them and let them know that you are there for them.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.  Happy birthday Yeshua.  This whole week has been amazing.  It started with the fire station blessing us with a box of food and gifts for the boys; then the church I attend, His House Ministries, blessed us with tons more food, more gifts for the boys and they payed my elusive gas bill for two months.  Finally, when Ev went to work yesterday (on Christmas morning) his boss told him and Joe to go home and enjoy their Christmas!  He was home before I was out of bed.  At 4pm we went to my oldest brother's house and had Christmas dinner with him and his family, as well as most of the rest of our family.  Only Aaron and his clan were not there, and Ben because he is still in California.  But Ben is coming out for a visit in February, so that is going to be awesome!  We are going to have a big bbq at David's house, probably run two grills.  I really hope that during that time, Aaron and his family don't start insulting and threatening people again.
You know, everyone seems to have a dysfunctional family in one way or another.  I guess this is ours.

RC Car Ministry

http://rcministry.webs.com/

settling in

It's November, Ian is 9 years old now and completely into Indiana Jones.  We got into a rental house back in September.  It's a three bedroom two bath house with no garage, one broken gas heater and a gas fire place.  The kitchen doesn't have enough drawers, but has good cabinet space.  I am getting used to not having a garbage disposal.  Everette and I signed a 12 month lease.  I am still trying to find places for everything.
Everette is working for SatPros, installing satellite like Dish Network and Direct TV.  Ian and Tristan are doing very well at the elementary school here.  You know, we just had election day, and I didn't register to vote in time.  So I jokingly told my grandparents to vote for me, meaning that they should vote in my stead.  They piped up saying they would vote for me, as in elect me to office.  My Mom agreed.  Where did this come from?  She says that I am an active person.  I didn't think I was THAT involved with things.  I mean, I attend MOPS, I just became assistant den leader for the WEBELOS 1 cub scouts.  But right now that is about it.  Oh, and I am a member of the PTO.  Though I have yet to hear anything from them.  Ok, I am done thinking about it.  Seriously, I am all about being active in the community, just never thought about running for a leadership position like that.  Maybe some day.  Granted, I am sure even small towns prefer to see someone with a bit of college education.

please share

Right now we are staying with my brother and his family, with the five of us in one bedroom.  All of my boys' toys are in storage, so my sons are feeling like outsiders here.  My brother's kids have toys but one his youngest has a bit of an issue with sharing.  I fight back tears of sorrow when I see my son being rejected by his cousin.  There is little I can do to change things for my sons right now.  I just pray that we can buy a decent house soon.
I have gone the past few weeks, essentially since we left California, without Zoloft.  I finally found the prescription yesterday and am not sure if I should go back on it or not.  We still need to......I just lost my train of thought.

The End Has Come

August 3, 2010 marked the last day of Navy life for us.  It has been a harsh reality these past few weeks.  Now in Texas with family, Everette has started a new job and we are looking for a place to call home.  There does not seem to be any apartments really available.  The homes here are mostly older homes that are in severe need of repair.  The idea of moving my family into one is painful and I am resisting it with every fiber of my being.  This week I found a house on 1.5 acres that I have fallen in love with and want to tour the inside.  I have been unusually excited about the idea of this house.  That being said, my sister-in-law told me this evening that there is another couple at her church looking at this same house and that it needs to sell quickly.  We still need to get approved for a VA loan.  Then Everette tells me today that he doesn't want to stay here.  So I feel "what's the point of looking for a house if we aren't going to make it permanent?"  I just want to settle down once and for all.  How odd, I grew up in the same house-19 years.  For the past 13 years we have moved so many times, I can scarcely count.  Now I just want o find that forever home.  The one.  The house of my dreams.  God, is there such a thing?  Is it possible that we might finally have that?  Can it be now? Please.

lost, found, late and rescheduled.

This morning I had a WIC appointment scheduled for 9am out in town.  I finally have custody of  the van today to do this and a couple other things.  Getting close to 9, so I load the boys into the van and make sure I have my id, wic folder, cell phone, bill or some proof of address, and LES (paycheck stub).  Wait, where is the LES that I had in the van since last week?  It's missing and dh doesn't know his log in information, and doesn't remember where he wrote it down.
Cancel WIC, reschedule for next week.  Ok, let's go geocaching with the two little ones.  This will be fun.  Stop one, find.  Two and three, no luck.  Four was a fun find at the California Welcome Center.  Five and six were a bust, and Seven was an adventurous find.  Fuel up the tank and now I headed to the back gate to base to deliver a wallet to my husband.  Thought he was at the base theater for his TAMP class,  so after sitting in the parking lot with two sleeping boys, pulling them both out of the van to go into the theater, I find out the class has been relocated to a point down the street.
I drop of the wallet, nearly throwing it out the window to him as I rush to pick up number one son who has now beat me home.  There was a volunteer Tea at the school scheduled from 1-2pm.  Went to that, then had a hard time finding the two older boys on the playground, because now I have to rush over to Naval Hospital for a Dr. appointment at 2:20pm.  Guess who was ten minutes late?  That's right, you guessed correctly.  I was late.  Wasn't sure if they were going to see me.
Picked up husband, came home.  My head hurts, my kids are tired beyond belief and I have no idea what to do about dinner.  On the up side, I got a cool little certificate for helping out at my son's school.

flowers flowers everywhere

Did I mention I have started gardening?  I love it. I find it very therapeutic.  Now if I could just get the hydrangeas to thrive.  I feel like if I can conquer hydrangeas, than maybe I will be ready to be a mother to a daughter.  Does that seem strange?  I know, where did that come from?  Let's face it, I want a daughter.  I always have.  I love all three of my sons, and yet still feel like there is something missing.  Like there is a life connection missing.  Let's see if I can manage to post a couple of pictures of what is growing.

Head Colds and the Zoo

Yesterday my friend, a Corpsmen in the Navy, invited us (myself, Everette and boys) to go with her to the San Diego Zoo.  There was this idea that Active Duty military plus their family members would get free admission to the Zoo.  We get to the ticket booth, Everette mentions military and waves his hand over the kids and myself, and the gentleman says just show ID at the entry gate.  We are so excited as we approach the turnstiles, until the attendant there tells us that Everette gets in free but the children and I must go purchase tickets.  Fine.  Now, we have already spent several minutes in the line, only to not be admitted to the zoo.  At guest relations I plead my case only to be told that the tickets for myself and two of the boys will cost me $82.  My heart sinks with disappointment as I think about the cost as well as the amount of time it took to find a parking space in the back-end of the lot.  This is the second time that i have come and not been able to go in.
My friend, so giving without hesitation, offers to split the cost.  I can handle $40.  We get in and realize that we only have a couple of hours before the exhibits close, when I turn to find the two boys viewing a large map of the Zoo, planning our adventure.  Already, they have a plan while we adults are still trying to figure out where we are on the map in our hands.  We go with the plan of a 4 year old and 8 year old.  What fun, as we sea lions, parrots, lizards and snakes.  A turtle flipped over on its back that struggles to flip over, and accomplishes that as we all watch on.
We had a wonderful time, and I enjoyed taking pictures with my new camera.  Towards the end however, I begin to feel the makings of a cold coming on.  This morning I feel it full bore.  From the neck up, I feel miserable.  I know where this has come from: my 22 month old son, who has had a very leaky nose the past few days.  I feel so bad for him, that he has felt so miserable and no one really knew just how he felt.

FMF

On Monday Everette went before the Murder Board for the FMF pin.  He passed.  This morning he is doing the final board, and if he accomplishes this then tomorrow he will take the E-5 exam.  Then the wait is to June or so to find out if he advances.  If so, he will stay in the Navy a few more years.

Elisha adventures

Elisha, 20 months old, sits at the dining table with a pile of gold fish crackers in front of him.  He could eat the crackers, but instead he puts them, one by one, down his onesie.  Once all fish are inside, he pats his tummy, effectively crushing each little gold fish cracker.  Now, he has a pile of crumbs inside his onesie.  Perhaps he plans to save them for later.  Is he part squirrel?  Now he sits in front of me on the table, examining the treasure he hides, and then leans forward to rest his head upon mine.  Elisha starts to nurse and his crumbs are slipping through his pants and onto my lap. 
Earlier he took one of my shirts from the laundry pile and put it on.  Everything he does, he does with an intense purpose.  I wish I could get inside that little mind to understand that purpose.  Elisha is a fascinating little boy.

tired

I feel so overwhelmingly sad right now.  No, nobody died.  It seems though that a friendship did.  I am not sure if I just over invest myself and my feelings into friendships or if I really just seem to screw things up.  I don't get it.  It's like someone wants me to have a constant feeling of being alone.  Heck, I can't even get ahold of the clinic.  Noone will answer the phone.  I feel so tired lately.  All I want to do is curl up in bed or on the couch.  Cannot do it though, kids will not let me. 
I had been volunteering at my son's school every morning but now I do not have anyone to watch the other two boys while I do it. 

The beginning of the end

    It is mind-boggling how a person can devote 11 years of their life to the military and then see it all just go away like it was nothing.  The actions/decisions of one person have effectively destroyed Everette's career.  I wonder if this is what that person hoped to accomplish?  August 3, 2010 will be the last day my husband is in the Navy. 
    I am terrified.  This is a lifestyle we have grown to know and accept as ours.  What will we be left with?  Will the military move us one last time?  Will there be any assistance in finding a civillian job?  We are going to effectively be jobless, homeless, without any medical benefits, etc.  How is this supposed to ok?  I know my Mom keeps telling me things will be allright, but unless a miracle happens soon, I do not see how things will be allright.  There is no one we can stay with.  No one who has money to float us.  We do not have assets or savings or anything really. 
    I think the plan right now is to leave California.  This means leaving my brother, our friends, our church family, everything we have come to love here.  I know we are not the only ones who have gone through a change like this, but it is our first time as a family.  This so is not the plan I had for us.  Truly, I had things all figured out.  Everette would make the Navy a career, retiring at the 20 year mark, being in his mid 40s.  We would put away his retirement pay and both of us would work in the civillian sector. We could retire again, and live on two retirements, and social security.  It was going to be great.  We were going to go to Japan with the boys while they were still young, perhaps even Italy for a couple of years.  Amazing how drastically plans/dreams can change. This wouldn't be such a big deal if it were just Everette and I, but it is not.  We have three little boys to take care of.  How can we do that without a home and an income?
    I have this constant list of all the things that need to be done between now and July.  I am not even sure if we have that long, realistically.