Sunday, July 8, 2012

Yesterday I had a realization about eight years too late.  Why is that when a woman suffers a miscarriage, she isn't offered grief counseling?  Her loss is as great as anyone else's.  Why are we sent home to deal with this loss alone?  Husbands don't get it.  Families don't get it.  Friends don't get it.  Unless you have gone through it, you don't get it.
I had a miscarriage in 2003 and it was the most devastating thing to happen in my life.  I now know I went through all the stages of grief. S
hock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope.  

Shock: At first I was sort of on autopilot, going through the motions when I was told there was something wrong.

Denial:  I tried to convince myself that the doctor was wrong.

Bargaining:  I begged and pleaded with God to make it right.  I probably made a ton of promises, some of which would have been impractical.

Guilt:  I felt that anything I had done during the pregnancy had compromised it.  Swimming in the ocean, drinking coffee, eating subway sandwiches that weren't toasted.  All sorts of things.

Anger:  I was so angry at God for not saving my pregnancy.  I was angry that it took four weeks for someone to come up with a solid answer.  Angry that my husband didn't seem to be upset and he even thought that after a couple of months that I should have gotten over it.  Angry that people would say things that were hurtful when they were trying to make me feel better.  Maybe they were trying to make themselves feel better.  Angry that I had nowhere to turn to just let it all out!

Depression:  I felt like God had let me down and I couldn't trust in Him anymore. I was sad all the time.  Each day that went by, I thought about how big my baby would be now.  And when spring came, and my due date approached, I wept over the knowledge that I would not be having a baby now.  When a year passed, my heart ached wondering what my child would have looked like at a year old.  Even now, I wonder what sort of person he/she would have become.  My heart ached constantly for what was not to be.

Hope: This last one took the longest to reach.  I know that my baby is in the arms of the angels.  I know that I can survive such pain and still carry on.  That when we experience loss, God does not leave us empty for long.  I know that God’s Word says “For in Me you might have peace.  In the world you shall have tribulation.  But be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

How much faster might I have reached that stage of hope if I had had someone to talk to, who could guide me through these stages?  I am going to pray about this one.  I feel like there has to be something I can do to help other women who have experienced this sort of loss.  Counseling, support groups, something.  You should never have to walk the path of loss alone.

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