I have a bucket list. I'm willing to bet you do too. Learn a new language. Visit a foreign country. Take up a new hobby. Get a degree in something I'll probably never utilize. Do something out of my comfort zone. Read all those books on my "100 books you should read before you die." One of my bucket list items has been to shave my head.
Now, I have been growing my hair out for the past two years or so, and it was getting to a nice length. Not long, but just past my shoulders. I had aspirations of having it down to my rump. I stopped coloring it, preferring to let the gray show as it comes in. But every time I got a head ache, I would wonder "would this hurt so much if I cut off my hair?" I would think to myself that if someone I knew ever went through chemo or something, I would cut my hair in solidarity with them.
Then one day, I had this powerful urge to cut it all off. Donate it, and shave it. It was either that, or dye it blue. My hair stylist convinced me it would be a bad idea, and too high maintenance. I talked about it with my husband. I mentioned it to my mom. Then, I called my friend, and asked her to come help me shave my head. I ignored the voice in my head saying "Sarah, your hair is your covering. It is your crowning glory. Don't you think this might make God sad?"
Sunday of last week, I shaved my head. Okay, let's back up a little while I take you through the process:
This is how things were looking just before I cut it all off:
1. I started with clean combed hair.
3. I cut just between the scalp and the hair bands. (The second set of bands half way down each pony tail was there for added measure.) Now, I could have simply evened this out, and been done with it. But.....I didn't. Here's the hair, once it was cut off and bagged. I know it doesn't look like much, but in that quart size bag is all of my hair.
PSA: This, with a bag of hair I had intended to donate on a previous occasion, was sent two days later to www.childrenwithhairloss.us where children experiencing hair loss, whether from cancer, alopecia, etc. can receive a wig designed for them, at no cost to the family.
4. I went over my head with the clippers, using the #8 or 1" guard. Now, I could have stopped at this point. But let's face it. I'm all in. And this is a bucket list item. Might as well check it off now. So I put on the #1 or 1/8" guard, and started shaving my head.
Here is the final result. Turns out, I have a great shaped head for this. Wearing hats is more exciting. I have a few new ones now.
So, that was a week ago. Here we are at Sunday again, and I have shaved my head again, because my hair likes to grow. I tried to go blonde once, and after 4 days, my roots were showing, I decided blonde was too high maintenance. Here I am with a shaved head, wondering is this something I will keep up with? I don't know. Because today, I started having an attack of the Christian conscience.
Now, before I get into that, let me side step a moment and say that I got so many compliments on the hat I wore. It was a purple cloche hat that I found on Amazon. FYI, the colors shown on Amazon, are not necessarily indicative of what you will actually get. Just a general guideline. Either way, it is a very pretty hat.
Okay, back to the attack of Christian conscience. After church I started looking online at more hats and coverings that I might use. See, as a Christian, I do follow the tenant that says a woman's head should be covered during prayer. Since I don't have hair to cover my head at the moment, I need some...options. Multiple options (wink, wink). +++ I can hear some of you saying, "But Sarah, your hair isn't your covering. A hat or scarf...is your covering. You're reading the scripture all wrong!" I am still working that part out. Which brings me back to my point. I was looking for hats, when I came across Radical Christian Woman which talks about whether Christian women should wear a head covering. As I started to read this site, as well as The Head Covering Movement, I began to think about that little voice I had ignored the week before. Have I dishonored God by shaving my head? What were my reasons for shaving my head anyway?
I had previously told myself anything that would make my actions acceptable and even logical. Shaving my head would cut down on my shower time and getting ready time. It would eliminate the need for hair care products completely. It's a bucket list item, and it's less permanent than a tattoo. It would make donating my hair so much easier. Hindsight is an odd thing. After I shaved my head, and after I had several people ask me why I did it, I realized the truth. My answer, in all honesty, is control. After losing my father this past December, my Grandmother last year, and almost losing my mother in January, plus every other thing that has been going on that I had no control over, I needed to feel a sense of power. Of control. I needed to know that there was one thing that was in my hands. I know it seems silly. Control over hair. It sounds like such a small thing. But did you look at those pictures? That is NOT a small thing. It's a huge thing.
Once I had that realization, came the question: Did I just dishonor God by taking control? Did I just rebel or prove myself unfaithful? Good questions. That is the journey I find myself on now. So stick around, as I seek to discover the answer to those questions and these: Who am I without my hair? Does my hair or lack thereof define my relationship with The Father? Was there truly any braveness or nobility in the act of shaving my head or just a spirit of rebellion? I do not ask you to shave your head. That is only and always a personal decision. Just, pray for me that I will hear God's voice and understand His Word as I move forward.
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